I’ve been in Therapy or reading related books for well over 20 years. I can describe my relationship dynamics, where they originated, how other people perceive me, who is normally attracted to me, and why. I understand the natural power-struggles between people (picture a rope in a tug of war), and how most marriages get wrapped around the axle about time, money or sex. I am no longer in study mode, and I even understand why gaining more knowledge about relationship dynamics isn’t going to be helpful for me from this point. All of the knowledge goes to a part of the brain different from the part that stores our childhood programming. Understanding why we feel a certain way rarely changes how our body reacts in the moment. My challenge now then is to move on from my need to understand and for words to reflect that understanding, to letting my physical body release what my mind no longer needs to analyze.
For as long as I can remember, my go-to strategy was the same: if something hurt, I’d analyze it until I felt safe enough to live with it and myself. I would map out the history of whatever the conflict was, figure out why everyone did what they did, and seek refuge in the ability to see it all at once. To me, this was working through it, but I didn’t quite realize I was only reaching part of the picture. I was staying in my head and still not addressing the bills that decades of only intellectualizing issues had handed to my body. I would go to the Chiropractor or an Acupuncturist for a few years here and there, but apparently, I was still outsourcing the clearing of my body’s accumulated stress. Ugh, what we don’t know when we don’t know it.
Lately, though, I’ve been noticing a change. I seem to have said all the words within me on these topics for now. Knowing why I felt unsafe as a child doesn’t automatically make my nervous system relax today. My body has been holding its breath for decades, and it is finally telling me it’s ready to come to the forefront so it can just breathe out.
Releasing the need to analyze also means releasing the need to solve dynamics I cannot change. Hand in hand with that, I am stepping back from the exhausting double-bind with my adult children. I love them dearly. I always have. Looking back, I am brokenhearted to see how much I white-knuckled my way through their childhoods, doing the absolute best I could with what I had, but gripping so tight out of my own raw survival mode. That had very real consequences on them. I grieve and I carry deep shame. Years down the road, I also realize I am in a dark maze with no exit. I can still allow my love for them to flow into the universe and I can still be present for them, if requested. Needing my adult children to like and approve of me however, now feels too dependent, too attached, and that’s not good for parent nor adult child.
In therapy, I have come face-to-face with an internal figure I’ve carried with me since childhood: the Warden. The Warden is that hyper-vigilant internal police force we build when we’re young, to keep us safe. In my case its sole job is to monitor everything I say, feel, or do, constantly asking: Are you being too much? Are you asking for too much attention? Suppress that so you’ll be liked and stay safe. For decades, my Warden ran the show, forcing me to swallow my own needs just to keep the peace and avoid triggering my old childhood fears of rejection. Understanding Imago Relationship Therapy helps put this in perspective. When an Octopus (also known as a Maximizer or a person with anxious attachment) senses a distance or a tear in a connection, our instinct is to reach out with all eight arms: to pursue, talk, fix, and bridge the gap right now. For most of my life, my internal Warden did its best to keep my Octopus on a leash, forcing me to shrink and over-function for people who happily accepted my services, but expected me to quietly swallow my own boundaries in return. When my Octopus would escape the Warden and would reinforce a boundary, those closest to me used my own Warden to disarm and punish me into guilty submission. I was completely unprotected, especially from Imago Turtles (Minimizer or Avoidant individuals).
Now, I’m working with the Warden in a whole new way. Instead of letting it police me into shrinking, I’m enlisting it to protect me. When a situation slams me back into that childhood programming, that sudden panic that I have to erase my own needs to be accepted, the Warden steps in to guard me, not the room. It lets my expressive, reaching Octopus hang out safely in the background without needing to fight for connection or hide in shame. Instead of my hyper-vigilant protector, the Octopus, having to spray ink to go to battle on my behalf, the Warden says: this is not the room for us. These aren’t our people. …and it’s working!
Next, my work will be much closer to home. It’s physical. It looks like sitting on the roof of a high-rise, not because I want to end my isolation and pain like I did as a preteen, but to be there for her. I close my eyes and I sit with my preteen me, taking a slow breath, and noticing my tight hips, incapable of opening past a 45-degree angle. I feel the knot of tension in my stomach and, instead of trying to figure out what interaction-flashback combination caused it, I simply stay with that bodily sensation and let it thaw out on its own terms, without my brain running the analysis drills.
I spent decades trying to think my way into being OK, but now understand my head can only take me so far. The rest of the journey is learning to quiet down, keeping my own boundaries, and finally letting my brain and body integrate. Realizing intellect has taken me as far as it can, it’s time to let my body lead me forward.
Thankfully, there is powerful work we can do to release trauma from our cells; they can be found by searching for somatic practicioners and exercises.
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