One More Perspective

I discovered a movie today I found jolting.  It was made in 2004, the year I was first introduced to Imago Relationship Therapy.  This movie may just be the best illustration of the Imago concepts, but with an added criticality.  Most stories or movies, sitcoms, and even songs have characters that are easily identifiable as an Imago Octopus (maximizer – out loud) or Turtle (minimizer – within).  This movie, the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, not only clearly demonstrates the Minimizer/Maximizer power struggle, it also cleverly portrays the stronghold of the dynamic.  I cannot imagine how this movie eluded me all this time, especially since I appreciate the vast talents of both of the leading actors. 

The core premise of Imago Relationship Therapy is that we are most naturally drawn to partners who possess both the positive and negative traits of our primary caretakers.  We do this because our subconscious is trying to recreate the familiar childhood environment to finally fix our original wound (the complex programming we took on just to be acceptable in our family dynamics).  We want to be loved as ourselves and not as the contorted entity our family circumstances demanded, so we excitedly (and possibly anxiously) seek the person who will be happy to have us exactly as we are.  As adults however, we subconsciously select the person least uniquely equipped to love us easily, because underneath what we see as magically attractive, is actually a familiar and powerful mechanism that clicks with our core emotions (most inescapably, our deepest hurts).  We are certain THIS time we can prove ourselves lovable, and our inner child is all in.  …we just don’t realize that powerful pull to the other person isn’t what it seems.  In fact, they are similarly full of unspoken hurt and expectations.

Let’s look at the main characters of this movie, Joel and Clementine, through that lens.  Joel is quiet, withdrawn, and hyper-insulated; a classic Minimizer or Imago Turtle.  Clementine is loud, chaotic, expressive, and constantly demanding connection; a classic Maximizer or Imago Octopus.  They are magnetically drawn to each other because each possesses the missing pieces of the other’s psyche.  Joel appears calm, stable and (at first) abundantly available, whereas Clementine brings the creative expression and energy Joel doesn’t naturally expend.  In Imago terms, a Maximizer (Octopus) handles anxiety by expanding outward, seeking connection loudly and intensely to avoid abandonment.  A Minimizer (Turtle) handles anxiety by withdrawing inward, conserving energy, and freezing to protect themselves from overwhelm.

When the relationship gets beyond the honeymoon phase and inevitable difficulties arise, they each subconsciously resort to their defensive adaptations.  Joel retreats into his shell, withholding presence; Clementine panics at the emotional distance and lashes out, becoming more chaotic to force a reaction.

The most brilliant part of the film is that even after they literally erase each other from their memories to avoid the pain of their relationship, they naturally gravitate right back to each other for a subsequent round.  They could be free to choose anyone else, and yet, though strangers once more, their Imago match attracts them all over again.  This is because their Imago blueprint hasn’t changed, only their circumstances.  Without conscious healing, the subconscious radar will always zero in on the exact same type of person to stage the same old fight of our childhood unmet needs.  This is where the film’s added criticality lies:  it proves that our patterns aren’t situational; they are hardwired.  Even a clean slate cannot outrun the subconscious blueprint.  It’s not just a matter of making a bad choice; it’s that our brains are literally wired to view these specific, complicated dynamics as the safe and desirable definition of love and chemistry.  This is not unlike the other things we humans so believe we uniquely like and do, just to eventually find out so do millions of other people in our geographical area, generation or gender.  However love was originally demonstrated to us within our childhood families, is what we will subconsciously recreate, unless we very specifically and intensely dedicate ourselves to healing ourselves, for ourselves. 

Can we accomplish childhood healing in the confines of a marriage?  Only if both parties believe in and consistently practice their own piece of the equation.  It takes two for the dynamic, two to painstakingly work on self-healing and self-awareness, and only one to fuck it up by treating this process as optional.

Like Joel and Clementine, I found myself repeating the same blueprint, marrying ‘Joels’ despite my extensive theoretical knowledge of Imago.  I was trapped in the loop because I was trying to fix the dynamic externally, rather than looking at the core wound driving it.  (To add to the eerieness of this movie for me, a bit like Clementine, I used to color my hair to indicate my happiness, or lack of.)  Across two decades I diligently learned and communicated about the Octopus-Turtle dynamic, but I didn’t have the healthy boundaries to understand I couldn’t do this work for two.  Instead, I used my understanding of the dynamic to double-down on being a good Octopus, a more loveable one, while I waited for the other half of the Imago party to do their work.  I was blindsided to the critical piece that I was still deploying my Octopus (anxious attachment) when I had any expectations my partners would be on this growth journey with me.  …and I certainly lacked the understanding on how to avoid getting myself in situations where my defense mechanism didn’t have to be so fiercely engaged as it was for much of my childhood. 

By now, I hope I’ve made it abundantly clear Joels (or Turtles) aren’t inherently bad; what an egregious oversimplification of a complex human that would be!  …and I’ve railed against that oversimplification my entire life.  I have suffered greatly from being recorded and recited at a much lower definition than how I actually exist.  The frantic waving of the Octopus’s tentacles is often a desperate attempt to be seen in full color (120 crayons) by someone who only possesses a limited palette of 16 crayons.  The nuances I work within are critical to who I am and yet, by the time I am reflected back by someone not subscribed to high-definition communication, I am usually reduced to a simplistic shortcoming.  This may be my Octopus’ biggest energizer.  It’s my core childhood wound:  being misinterpreted, misrepresented.   

Why am I still writing about this?  The same reason movie after movie shows us these characters on repeat.  They are everywhere in our real lives, they are our siblings, our colleagues, our friends.  Some more resigned and in a cold war, than others. 

…and there is only one way out of the wash, rinse, repeat.  It is to dedicate to 1) understanding what engages one’s Turtle or Octopus and to understanding 2) what keeps us believing, without evidence, things can get better. 

Thanks to my very skilled and attuned Therapist, I have been spending a lot of time with the single-digit age me.  When I figuratively walk in to find her, the young me is small, vulnerable, feels invisible, overwhelmed and there is no one who has the bandwidth to be on her side, by her side.  I visit her to listen to her and I validate her experiences as my fiftysomething-year old self.  I intently feel her feelings, cry the tears she didn’t have the luxury to, and I repeatedly release her stored grief and exhaustion.  I deeply realize only I can do this reparenting for myself.  No one else can understand just what each memory means to her and how complex a particular event was as she lived it.  The family members I inventory at each age I visit, don’t particularly seem to have any kind of grip on their own emotional world, something I had no way to assess as a child.  It is so clearly futile for my young self to develop expectations of them to do for me what they cannot do for themselves.  I can plainly see my family members’ own limitations and constraints, independent of me.  With this objective and empathetic view, I am mercifully released from enmeshment, from codependence. 

This means I can help my younger self withdraw her frightened Octopus tentacles and seek no further emotional support nor identity from my family members.  …not in an isolating, dramatically absent and condemning way, but a contented, resolved way.  Naturally, this emotional digestion also helps with how I view my previous Spouses as well.  This isn’t malicious, it’s hard-earned wisdom. 

In a sea of flailing Octopuses and single-occupancy Turtles, the best growth is to show up ready to validate myself from within, beginning with the youngest me I can remember.  It is an incredible gift I give to myself, witnessing my childhood feelings all over again, and actually sitting with them as I never did before.  Often, my limbs get heavy with the physical manifestation of the emotions I’m allowing to the surface.  This time, I am also fully aware of what emotions are actually mine and what’s my Mother’s or Father’s own maladaptive defense mechanism colliding with my vulnerable psyche.  I don’t have to internalize how they relate to me anymore, because I can see they are just barely surviving.  I’m an afterthought at best, like they were in their overwhelmed, politically and war-torn families in Communist Hungary. 

I spend time holding (containing) my anxious inner child and I let her know I’m here to be the person who sees her.  I am able to be present for her worries and fears.  I soothe her waving tentacles without judgment or inconvenience.  I’m not overwhelmed by her delivery.  I welcome and appreciate it.  In parallel, I’m also aware of and hold space for my regret and sadness I didn’t learn these self-soothing skills in time to nurture my children in the same way I am now nurturing my inner child.  Thanks to my Therapist, I now understand why that couldn’t be.  I have compassion for myself, while I am also deeply sorry for the ways I couldn’t be present for my children when they needed my validation and empathy.  I am also learning to integrate that forgiveness as I nurture the different ages of me. 

I’m grateful I get to do this – to spend time with young me.  The young me loves all forms of exploring.  She loves walking, learning and observing.  She’s lovely.  She’s a connector.  I’m dedicated to seeking the situations that allow her (our) Octopus to rest.  This is also helping me to solidify my footing now, in my new life.  That comes down to healthy boundaries, and not heeding the call of old anxieties about being too _________.  It was never my job to make others comfortable.