One More Perspective

I feel like I have been on that old carnival ride that spins its riders around so fast their backs stick to the circular wall and then the bottom is dropped from below their feet.  Centrifuge.  Yes.  That’s it.  I’m not talking about the modern see-through ones decorated with lights and outfitted with safety features like a top enclosure and barriers between people; I’m talking about the old, wooden, good-luck ones. 

Thankfully, I haven’t been on this wringing-out without a qualified professional; I’m grateful for the insights and genuine care of my Therapist.  I have written hours of text in the last few months, all in an effort to understand how my life became unrecognizable.  I’m also grateful to those who have remained curious and kind, who read as I wrote and sent messages of love and support.  Writing has been my lifeline.  Those reading with an open heart have been my tribe; I am immensely grateful for your gift to me.  I can write what I cannot linearly verbalize when wrapped in a high-stakes conversation.  I know it’s a lot, but I’m coming through this particular knot hole now and I am armed with invaluable insights about myself with which I intend to relate to the world very differently. 

I keep writing also because I know I am not particularly unique.  The names, places and circumstances may change in human stories, but the dynamics endure.  I have a sincere hope that what I write will help someone.  I secretly hope that one day it may help my children.  A friend told me after reading this website:  “I see Octopuses and Turtles everywhere now.”  Good.  They are everywhere, and born everyday.  It’s a coin-toss in what line-up Imago Octopus and Turtle children enter their parents’ dynamic.  It is also important to keep in mind that Imago Turtles and Octopuses are dotted all along a broad spectrum.  They sometimes move around a bit on that Octopus-Turtle continuum, and situationally, they are even capable of mimicking the opposite behavior for a very short stint at a time (during the first few months of a relationship or under a threat, real or perceived).  …but without dedicated, daily focus, each party quickly returns to their baseline instincts.  Generally, without deliberate and consistent work, our position on the Octopus-Turtle spectrum doesn’t fundamentally change.  This is absolutely fine, provided we are willing to upfront and often communicate our needs and boundaries, transparently.  The worst that can happen is to not represent ourselves or to hide behind aspirational qualities we cannot sustain.  I have a few Imago Turtle friends who are radically transparent about their needs.  They are unapologetically set up to minimize what detracts from their brand of peace.  I am fascinated with their self-permission and self-expression.  

What’s the best opportunity for health and success for any of us?  It is to be plainly honest with ourselves and others about who we are.  Of course, this is a monumental ask.  There is not likely to be a human who thinks they are self-unaware.  If they entertained that thought, that would be the beginning of their self-awareness.  Most people claim degrees of self-awareness, though it’s harder than it looks.  I have my work cut out for me, too.  …and this work going forward will need to look a lot different than it has. 

My first and primary job is to become aware when I find myself slipping into situations that inspire my Imago Octopus to come to the forefront.  I now keenly understand this happens when I feel unseen, unheard, misunderstood and misrepresented.  If I sense I’m in a conversation where I’m over-explaining, feeling like I’m the only one vested or that the other person isn’t approaching from a perspective of curiosity, it’s my sign for an immediate pause and time-out.  I must then examine why my Octopus protector stepped up. 

• Am I heeding my own values and boundaries? 
• Am I permitting someone to distract me or negotiate from my own lived experience (my data points)?
• Am I intruding on someone else’s boundaries? 
• Have I entered a rescuer/victim/bad-guy triangle?

I am responsible for what part my Octopus plays in my life.  I am responsible for choosing my environments. 

This is my daily practice now, fragile but determined.  I am even able to distinguish my performative Octopus temporarily shrinking, from genuinely letting something be.  My performative Octopus may force itself silent, but remains vested in a particular outcome.  A retired Octopus has to be dedicated to letting go of the expectations that are not in my control.   …and that’s 99.9999% of everything in the universe.  Breathe out.  Breathe in. 

I must also admit I am traumatized by the magnitude of my life lessons, which have arrived in the last 15 years in a succession so rapid it has left my head permanently spinning.  My mind wants so much to project forward.  I sometimes find it ruminating in pre-worries about what big lesson I will have to learn next.  Oy.  Thankfully, once I realize I have defaulted to the future again, I can remind myself to not miss the present.  Hang out here in this bittersweet glow of having figured out the last core-shattering round.  My primary objective then is presence, allowing my protector (my Octopus) to rest, and processing the pain, shame and regret of how my children experienced me.  I am now fully qualified to validate my own existence for myself, no defense necessary; I am simply not in that business anymore.  I am desperately sorry for the consequences my Octopus armor had on my children.  How they experienced me was all real, and made up a disproportionate part of their childhood.  That stays on record, and I will forever be devastated my journey had such a long arc prior to this point.  …but I am also honoring my own lived experience.  I am no longer suppressing the events that awakened my Octopus in the first place.  With this clarity, I feel infinitely more balanced.  All of these things now have space within me, making me whole.