One More Perspective

I am writing this because I have finally reached a point where I no longer want to outrun the truth of my own patterns. For the better part of five decades, I lived under the impression that if I was competent enough and worked harder than everyone else, I could compensate for the fractures in our lives. I thought my strength was a shield for those I loved, but I have come to realize that my intensity most often acted as a storm.

​To my children, and to myself: I am taking full responsibility for the climate of the home I created. I was the adult, and I set the tone. I am owning the fact that I spent years operating at a high-voltage level of stress, and I am the one who released that pressure on the people closest to me.

​I am owning these specific truths:

• The Weight of My Voice: I am the one who screamed. I allowed my fear and internal frustrations to turn into a noise that drowned out your peace. I am sorry that I used my intensity to control you and our environment rather than to connect with you.
• The Project Mentality: I treated our lives like my work, as systems that needed to be optimized. In my drive to ensure everyone was safe and every plan was followed, I failed to simply be with you. I prioritized the future over the now, the preparation over the person, and I made you feel like you were only as valuable as your last academic achievement.
• The Harm of my Hyper-vigilance: I was so afraid of anything that didn’t contribute to our future safety and viability that I became rigid. I created a home where you had to walk on eggshells because I couldn’t tolerate any deviation from the script I thought would keep us alive and prepare you for an independent, sustainable future. I was always three steps ahead, managing a crisis or fixing a problem, instead of just sitting on the floor and being your Mom.

…but I was very wrong in my beliefs and approach. I know that my realizing and acknowledging these now does not fix the years of noise and lack of support you experienced from me. You have every right to your anger and your distance. What a gift you three are to me and I’m so proud of your boundaries and hard work for your health.

My reconciliation with myself will take a long time, and certainty only I can do this work. I am putting these facts into the daylight simply because I can no longer carry the weight of my shame.

With love and accountability,

Mom