One More Perspective

“You’re in my house!” was the first sentence to come out of my Daughter’s mouth when, upon parking and exiting her car, she spotted me in the parking lot of her apartment complex.  I was standing a couple of cars away, having just paused my vehicle, still in the lane.  I was careful to be several vehicles away, so as not to crowd her path.  Her sentence startled me but also allowed me to see how my Daughter was experiencing my impromptu visit.  That, it was.  …an ambush, if I am objective.  Though three miles down the road from her, I haven’t seen her in almost a year, as she withdrew from our lives completely in the last five years.  “I’m not in your house.” I said, though I understood immediately that she meant I was too close.  She was not OK with my visit.  “I just wanted to see you.”  I took a step closer, but we were still a car-length apart.  “That’s understandable” she said, there was a moment of softening in her voice, but thereafter her body was swiftly moving, walking away.  I followed in baby steps, keeping her car between us.  I was both devastated and desperate to communicate, but I could see I was, through my sheer presence, pop-up or otherwise, adding to the antibodies she’d built up toward me.  “You have so much misinformation” I uttered, now in full grasp of the totality of her reaction to me.  The part of me hopeful my Daughter may have a spark of curiosity if nothing else upon seeing me, was drowning.  I hastily kept the “How are you?” to myself.  We were done here.  I managed an “I wish you well” before she disappeared around the corner toward her apartment.  I was still standing by her vehicle. 

What just happened?  Why today?  Yes, we’ve been packing up the house I’ve called home for nearly fourteen years, from which I’ve missed all three “Kids,” but with a bleeding wound, my Daughter.  Just yesterday I was loading my Daughter’s things from her old room and I thought I was handling it with successful repression.  …but it was a freaky voicemail shuffle today that broke me out of my usual emotional state (survival-numbness), and launched me again into acute panic.  My Daughter left the message five years ago, and about two weeks after a major fallout that changed everything.  Because of that fallout, my Wife and I were convinced my Daughter didn’t want to live at home anymore and, as evidenced by her voicemail I found today, my Daughter was left thinking we didn’t want her to live at home.  Cue COVID-19 to complicate the world. 

This is what I had sent to my Daughter earlier in the afternoon, despite knowing she doesn’t read my messages:

“Hurt people hurt people“, my Daughter wrote some years ago on her very successful social media.  What a bloody ricochet. 

After finding five years too late her vulnerable, sad-toned voicemail, I was very compelled to see my Daughter today.  I wanted to show up and allow my Daughter to respond to me organically however she needed to.  That would be the price for getting to see her for a moment.  …but she was as kind as she could be, I think. 

In the end, it was still a relief for me to get to see her today, but I will not try to seek her out in the future.  I’m her Mom, even if all I have now is the pain that’s not fast enough killing me, but I will respect my Daughter’s boundaries. 

From Gemini 2.5 Pro:  “This is an incredibly painful and difficult situation. Navigating life after unintentionally causing harm to a loved one, and then being shut out, is a journey of profound grief, guilt, and eventually, a quiet, personal healing. It’s a path many people have walked, and while it’s unique for everyone, there are common stages and strategies that help people go on.
Here is a breakdown of how people navigate this process.
Part 1: Navigating the Immediate Aftermath
The initial phase is often characterized by shock, intense guilt, and a feeling of powerlessness. The natural instinct is to fix it, but the “shut out” makes that impossible.

• Acknowledge and Grieve the Loss: Being shut out by a loved one is a form of loss. It’s the death of the relationship as you knew it. It is essential to allow yourself to grieve. This involves feeling the sadness, the anger, the confusion, and the emptiness without judgment. Suppressing these feelings will only prolong the pain.
• Respect Their Boundary (Even Though It Hurts): This is the hardest and most crucial step. Your pleas for forgiveness were not accepted, and they have put up a wall. Continuing to push—through texts, calls, mutual friends—is a violation of the boundary they have set. It reinforces their decision and can be perceived as you prioritizing your need for absolution over their need for space and safety. Respecting the silence is the only path forward and, counterintuitively, the only thing that leaves a door even slightly ajar for the distant future.
• Resist the Spiral of Shame: It’s vital to distinguish between guilt and shame.
• Guilt: “I did a bad thing.” Guilt is a healthy emotion that signals you’ve violated your own moral code. It can motivate positive change.
• Shame: “I am a bad person.” Shame is a destructive identity that says the mistake is who you are at your core.
  You have already acknowledged your wrongdoing (guilt). The work now is to fight the slide into shame. Your actions were a part of your story, not the entirety of your being.
  Part 2: The Internal Work of Healing
  Since you cannot get absolution from the person you hurt, you must learn to process the event and find a way to forgive yourself.
• Separate Their Forgiveness from Your Healing: This is the core of moving on. You must accept that their forgiveness is a gift they may or may not choose to give. Your healing, however, is your own responsibility. You cannot hinge your well-being on an action you do not control. Your task is to heal in the absence of their forgiveness.
• Practice Radical Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a dear friend who came to you with this story. You would likely tell them:
• “Your intention was not to cause this harm.”
• “You have acknowledged your mistake and shown remorse.”
• “You are human, and humans make terrible mistakes.”
• “This one act does not define your entire worth as a person.”
• Reframe the Narrative: Instead of seeing this as the event that proves your worthlessness, try to reframe it as the most painful and powerful lesson of your life.
• What did you learn about yourself?
• What did you learn about your blind spots?
• How has this experience changed the way you will interact with others in the future?
• This transforms the memory from a source of pure pain into a catalyst for profound growth.
• Create a “Living Amends”: Since you cannot apologize further with words, you can do so with actions. A living amends is about dedicating yourself to being a better person because of what happened. This isn’t for them to see; it’s for you.
• Be kinder in your other relationships.
• Become more mindful of the impact of your actions.
• Perhaps volunteer for a cause related to the harm you caused, if appropriate.
• By integrating the lesson into your character, you honor the pain that was caused and ensure it was not in vain.
  Part 3: Actively Moving Forward
  Healing requires more than just internal thought; it requires action.
• Seek Professional Help: A therapist or counselor can provide a safe, non-judgmental space to process these complex emotions. They can offer tools for managing guilt, grieving the loss, and rebuilding your sense of self. This is not a burden to be carried alone.
• Focus on What You Can Control: You cannot control the other person. You can control:
• Your physical and mental health (exercise, sleep, nutrition).
• Your work or creative pursuits.
• Nurturing your other, healthy relationships.
• Your personal growth and learning.
• Pouring your energy into these areas rebuilds your life and self-esteem.
• Accept the New Reality: The hardest part is accepting that the relationship may be over forever, or if it ever does resume, it will be fundamentally different. Holding onto the hope that things will “go back to normal” keeps you stuck. The goal is to build a life that is whole and meaningful without their absolution.
• Hold Hope Loosely, Without Expectation: It is human to hope for reconciliation. The key is to not let that hope become the center of your life. Live your life fully. If, one day, they reach out, you can engage with them from a place of strength and wholeness, not desperation. And if they don’t, you will still have a life that you have carefully and consciously rebuilt for yourself.
  Going on with your life is not an act of forgetting or dismissing the harm you caused. It is the quiet, courageous act of accepting what you cannot change, taking responsibility for your own healing, and using a painful past to become a better human being for the future.”